This essay is infused with the wisdom of Dr. Kristin Neff, lead researcher on the topic of self-compassion. Please see resources below for more information on her work!
My journey with the tool of self-compassion began about 12 years ago, when I was going through some significant mental health challenges. I didn’t have the capacity to show up for my life the way I wanted to, and my brain decided this was a personal failing. I spoke to myself in a way that was highly critical, judgmental, and harsh.
One day I read the quote, “You can’t hate yourself in a version of yourself that you love” by Lori Deschene.
Whoa. Bingo. Called out.
You mean I don’t have to keep bullying myself into healing? I don’t have to keep pouring cruelty on top of a hard situation? At the risk of sounding like an informercial, “There has to be a better way!”
And there is, Kevin (only true Friends stans will get that one).
The practice of offering self-compassion is about treating yourself the way you would treat someone you care about.
Below you’ll find my version of “how to” develop a self-compassion practice.
Observe
Mindfulness begins with putting ourselves in role of the observer or witness. It’s the practice of noticing. Begin by getting into the habit of observing your thoughts over the course of the day. This could happen during scheduled meditation, through journaling prompts, or simply by paying closer attention to your thoughts as you go about your biz.
Example: You miss the gym and start beating yourself up. (“You’re so lazy,” “You never do what you say you will,” “Everyone else can make it to the gym. Why can’t you?”) Bonus hint - if you find yourself comparing, or saying “always” or “never,” this are yellow flags that you’re entering the Self-Judgment Zone.
Mindful self-compassion looks like observing these thoughts, noticing and naming them (“I’m having the thought that I’m lazy”).
Validate
Next, identify and validate your feelings (“I notice it feels hard to go to the gym today, even though it wasn’t this hard on Tuesday,” “I’m feeling really low energy and could use this rest,” “I slept through my alarm-mistakes happen sometimes,” “Developing a new habit is hard”).
Make space to connect with yourself during this step of self-validation. Put a hand on your heart. Take a breath. Dr. Neff says that self-compassion is comprised of mindfulness, common humanity, and kindness. The common humanity aspect can be useful to turn to when you are trying to make space for your feelings.
Reminding ourselves that every human life has moments of suffering and imperfection can shift us out of self-criticism and into self-connection.
Again, what would you say to someone you cared about? Probably something along the lines of, “You can always try again tomorrow,” or “Happens to the best of us.” You’d probably avoid responding with a judgment. You’d use basic kindness.
We are becoming someone we care about!
Take action
Dr. Neff describes two main categories of self-compassion: tender and fierce.
Tender self-compassion is sweet and nurturing. It’s the proverbial pat on the shoulder, “there, there” kind of energy. Tender self-compassion invites you to take care of yourself with gentleness. You use this when you need comfort and softness. Tender self-care might be a bubble bath, a cozy blanky, a night in, or a short walk.
Fierce self-compassion embodies kindness in a tougher love sort of way. Fierce self-compassion might say, “I know you really don’t want to get out of bed, but there is an important commitment we made.” We want to offer ourselves grace and flexibility, while holding ourselves accountable for what we claim to be important. Fierce self-compassion might feel like a loving shove. It could mean speaking up for yourself even when it feels uncomfortable. Fierce self-compassion is the boundary you hold with yourself or others.
This shift didn’t happen overnight for me, but with practice, my relationship with myself has become loving, warm, and full of acceptance. I find it to be a much lovelier way to get through life, and very worth the effort.
Resources for additional exploration:
Journal prompts, exercises, and more: self-compassion.org
Meditations: youtube.com/@katelicciardello