Disclaimer: the following is based solely on my unique lived experience and is not intended to constitute medical advice. Depending on an individual’s level of chemical dependency, reducing alcohol use can be very dangerous. Please consult a physician or specialist if you have questions or concerns about your drinking habits or how to reduce drinking safely. Resources provided at the end of this page.
The short
I feel awesome without alcohol in my life. I feel bad (best case scenario, meh) with alcohol in my life.
The long
100 days ago, I decided I needed a long break from alcohol following a harrowing hangover. Over the years, I’ve participated in a dry January or the like, but at the 30-day mark I always invited alcohol back in. Drinking culture has been normal and constant in my life for so long that it felt confusing to consider a longer break, or (gasp) to remove it altogether. How could I live without something we collectively are so obsessed with? How do I know if I should stop without a rock bottom? Is alcohol really that bad?
I have held a very narrow view of what constitutes a problem drinker, never identifying with the few stereotypes of problem drinking. I’ve been a “social drinker,” and I imagine my drinking was the type you see routinely. While most of the time I walked away from a night involving alcohol feeling relatively unscathed, occasionally there would be what I call the harrowing hangover.
Harrowing hangovers have been demanding my attention since I entered my 30s, when they began happening to me. The post-drinking ritual of a hangover went from a silly joke on Saturday mornings, to a truly soul crushing event. Hangovers brought ruined Sundays, missed work outs, and days of post-drinking anxiety.
Every harrowing hangover would bring some version of the question, “Why on earth do I choose this?” (and often, the voice would sound far more critical and rooted in self-loathing). As someone who pours a lot of love and time into managing their nervous system, it became increasingly disjointed to choose alcohol, the gasoline lighting my low-lying anxiety ablaze, each and every time.
Benefits
You’ve probably gathered by now that I do not enjoy feeling hungover. Waking up feeling truly well is the biggest win for me, by FAR. My mood is more stable, and my anxiety has quelled considerably. When I do have an anxious moment, day, etc. (because human life still happens to me) I know it’s not because I’ve poisoned myself. I have noticed my skin is brighter and breaking out less, I’m feeling less puffy, and my energy is more consistent. I have always been a big fan of sleep, and I do not miss having sketchy sleep on the nights I would drink alcohol. I love being able to drive no matter what, I love speaking with more clarity and having sharp memories of how a wedding, party, or night went.
Far more science-y benefits can be found under the resources named below, but I’ve gathered that the health benefits of not drinking are, basically, everything. Pick an organ, pick a function of the body… it will improve (again, not a doctor).
Drawbacks
So yeah, there can be some awkwardness not drinking when most everyone else is. I occasionally feel left out or misunderstood. I have to risk people not getting it. It can be uncomfortable to confront the reality that most of us are conditioned to believe we want and need alcohol to enjoy our lives. Doing the work of unlearning doesn’t mean the majority of those around you have, or want to, and that can be hard. I am also not the alcohol police and have NO interest in making choices for others. The aforementioned awkwardness has been especially true of “firsts” - weddings, birthdays, beach days, etc., where previously I went into autopilot with drinking.
There have been some deep hard conversations along the way. Losing the ritual (and whatever else it meant to you) of drinking can impact relationships.
Is not drinking hard? Eh, I have had moments of craving but not much beyond a sip. Being almost ready to not drink, knowing deep down that alcohol doesn’t serve me but still having it consistently, was much more painful for me. In my experience so far, the reward of not abandoning myself, or trusting myself, has been worth it every single time.
Resources
Perhaps you’ve noticed an influx of NA options and mocktails in recent years. I’m so grateful for the voices that have created and uplifted the sober curious movement, including Ruby Warrington, who coined the phrase in her 2018 book Sober Curious.
The sober curious movement has allowed us to find more nuance in the cultural conversation around alcohol; creating space for people who find themselves between the binary of “you’re a problematic drinker or a normal person drinker.”
My personal favorite has been This Naked Mind by Annie Grace. Grace spoke right to me, slowly dismantling the cultural myths I’d absorbed about why we think we need alcohol. Grace delivers this topic with compassion, openness and delightfully clear facts. While many narratives in our cultural conversation around alcohol put the focus on the individual and their willpower (“can” you drink or “can’t” you?), Grace’s lens allowed me to see alcohol for what it is. From that place, I changed my focus from asking if I can handle alcohol, to if I want to keep it around.
Another crucial piece of wisdom in my unlearning was the book The Way of Integrity by Martha Beck. This is not a resource specifically for sober exploration, but rather a broader dive into our own core values. What we truly want, believe and embody, versus what we might be doing out of expectation from the larger culture. Beck calls this your true nature versus your culture. I learned through years of reflection that much of my pull toward alcohol not of my own desire at all, but rather what I’ve learned from our culture, alcohol = fun, freedom, sexiness, belonging. This book struck a chord many times. I’d file this particular unlearning resource under “the truth will set you free but first it will piss you off.”
Is it forever? What now?
I’m in an ever-evolving questioning of how or if alcohol will be a part of my life. Will I never enjoy a glass of champagne at a wedding, or try a local wine if I’m ever in Europe? I don’t know.
I have had some sips of others’ alcoholic drinks here and there in my first 100 days alcohol-free. I haven’t felt this makes me want to drink more, nor do I think a whole drink would send me careening into a drinking binge (I recognize that is not the case for everyone, and that is not a safe mentality for everyone).
What I feel confident about is that alcohol has been decentered from my life experience. My default is to go for a mocktail or NA beer, and my confidence in attending events alcohol-free only grows.
As a mental health professional, the growing conversation around alcohol thrills me. Let’s keep exploring together; about alcohol or anything else that might be keeping us from our truest, most peaceful lives.
Additional resources
If you find yourself in immediate crisis, please call 911 or go to your nearest emergency room.
Substance Use and Mental Health Services Association (SAMHSA)
SAMHSA’s National Helpline is a free, confidential, 24/7, 365-day-a-year treatment referral and information service (in English and Spanish) for individuals and families facing mental and/or substance use disorders. 1-800-662-HELP (4357) or text 988
Alcoholics Anonymous
aa.org
Quit like a woman by Holly Whitaker
We are the luckiest by Laura McKowen